Dear God, Please Abolish Gift-Giving Holidays, Kay Thanks.

I ate my Billy-approved breakfast of layers of yogurt, fiber-rich cereal, banana, and berries. It sounded good, but only tasted OK.

Now I'm off to get my secretary a gift certificate to the movies, in honor of "Staff Appreciation Week." Sweet Lord, I'm the worst gift-giver. Not only is it a gift-certificate, which is humiliating enough, but it's not even, like, for a store I know she adores. I just figure everyone likes movies and doesn't like to waste money on them. To top off all this lameness, I didn't even think of it! I stole the idea from another associate! Pathetic, truly. Oh well, it's the thought that counts... unfortunately, I didn't think.

As to gift-giving, I forgot my niece's birthday... after just last December forgetting my other niece's birthday. My nephew's birthday is only days away. I'm thinking I will buy back love with a joint Nintendo Wii gift to them. A game-lovin' office neighbor informs me that Wii is all about games where you use your own body in motion to play the game. That will be great for my nephew, who spends all day indoors with a TV. At least he'll have to swing his own fist at his virtual-enemy. The violence will that bit more real. Good thinking on the part of the responsible aunt. Oh man, I hate gifts.

I wish there were no gift-giving holidays. We could all just give surprise gifts when we felt like it, and we'd all be happier, because surprise gifts are, y'know, surprises, instead of disappointments because you were hoping for something better. I always stress that I failed expectations.