You should know I get very jealous of your brave adventures, such as making tikka masalah. (BTW, I laughed out loud at you not making your own Cinnamon Toast Crunch. It made me think, "I bet she will try it some day.") I make fun of it because I'm too lazy-scared to do stuff like that myself. And I'm definitely too lazy-scared to confront the "extraordinary" dilemma head-on, as you've done. Actions are a lot more impressive than blog-words.
I feel it, too. All. The. Time. I want my life to be extraordinary, and I don't know what to do about it. I mean, I don't even believe in extraordinary lives. I think that, yeah, it's amazing to lead the free world or star in blockbuster movies and have photographers track your every move. (I say this as though I could just choose those things, given the inclination. Like I'm sitting here chewing on my nails and contemplating whether I should become a rock star, but decide to take a nap instead.) Yeah, it's amazing, but it's still not meaningful in that transcendent, I-found-the-truth kind of way. That's what I want. I want transcendent meaning, unassailable truth, and I want it to be mine, mine, mine. What kind of arrogant piece of shit comes up with that as what they want in life? A self-defeating arrogant piece of shit, I suppose, cuz it ain't gonna happen. Smarter, better, more educated people, with more time on their hands, have tried to find transcendent truths, and so far I haven't seen their pictures in the paper holding up a trophy cup full of money and nirvana.
So... I'm with ya. Too bad I ain't gots no solutions. I find I can barely do anything new or even contemplate it for the knowledge that I will never reach this goal. How's that for middle-class, adolescent angst? I hate being pathetic and maladjusted. Adjusted people set reasonable goals and attain them. We did that once, right? I mean, you and I attained a goal that most people don't even consider a realistic thought. And what does it mean to us at this point? Slim to nuttin. That's the real rub, knowing that it won't satisfy once you have it. SqRL Nut (that's my blog name for Balloon Head; you can call him whatever you like) can make you into a movie star some day, but will your life feel different? Maybe... keep me updated. My bet's on: at first, yes, then... not so much.
Do we fight the fight anyway? You wanna make up a barely-attainable goal and then get it? They say the satisfaction is not in the result but in the journey to get there. Sometimes I believe them. (Usually only until I remember staying up all night to write papers I didn't care about, and the awesome feeling of the grade/result.) But maybe we gotta make one up anyway to get through this life with more happiness and resolute?
I know what you're thinking. You're thinking, "If I knew what goal to set, 90% of my problems would be solved, putz." (Yeah, I know you wouldn't think "putz.") The loss of youth, eh? It was so obvious to me that achievement would be high school, college, law school, lawyer job. Here I is, lawyer job. Make me happy! (Lawyer Job says, "Heh? Um sleepin! Lemme alone!") Alright, so, what's the obvious next step? Well, options:
1. Congeal Meaning: Write out what it's all meant so far. Script form might help SqRL Nut out some day.
2. Move on to a Totally New Front: Start a new career, business, outrageous hobby. Ignore your mind and become a fitness model. You, my Brave New SqRL, have thrown yourself into this. You can always go back ("Hello, Lawyer Job! Did you miss me?" "Umm sleepin!"), but you shouldn't.
3. Start a Family: Define yourself through children, and make them happier, more adjusted people than us. Or make your life about backing up your spouse. It's worked for some, or so I've heard, and tend to believe it. So you could try this route for Brave New SqRL.
4. Fix Other People: Forget it. No, really... stop. That's Same Old SqRL, not Brave New SqRL. Unless you want to fix me, which is a fab idea, and which on many fronts you've achieved over our glorious 5.5 years. I still think that THIS could be your glorious new career. Life Fixer-Upper.
What other options do we have? I want more items on the list.
As for fixing people... I think you should go with the sad-euphoric feeling just for a while. See what it's like. I bet your family will keep doing what it would do with or without your suggestions. And when you come back into action, they might be surprised enough to do the shit you tell them to do. Control-vacation. :)
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