New Spit Diet! Sure to Make You Drop 20 Pounds in 4 Hours and Gross Your Friends Out!

I hate being moody, too! And the people I've been in long-term relationships were/are like SqRlLuvaaaaah -- even keel all the time -- only moody when I cause it. But I'm pretty tired of fighting my moods all the time. I still think common decency demands that I protect people as best I can from my moodiness, but I'm tired of pretending to myself that I'm not in bad moods. (Note: This is written later. Am happy again because drank Diet Coke. Caffeine = Happy.)

I think dreams are fantastic. Although Freud went out, what, like 30 years ago (?), I still think dreams are meaningful and are going to impart deep insights to me. I like them even when I wake up disconcerted and kinder freaked out. All the more reason to believe deep, disturbing insights are abounding.

I gotta hope that popsicles are only like 10% spit, not 50%. I mean all food is mixed with spit, but I hope that's only like 5%. The dryer items, though, like Saltines, have to be like at least 25% spit to get them to go down. Maybe we should come up with a chart of spit-to-food ratio. Like if popsicles are 10% spit, they get a .1 on the scale. Steak gets a .05, and Saltines get a .25. The higher the number, the grosser. It could aid in dieting. I bet high spit content is good because it's made from calories already in your body but reallocates the mass to your tummy. We could start the Spit Diet! Awesome -- we would gather together "High Spit Content" foods and fill the day with them. Dee. Lish. Us. What do you think is the highest spit content food? Well, gum of course is almost 100% spit. Just flavored spit. And once you've burst out that first couple minutes of good flavor, it's pretty much all spit from there. Perfect diet food. This is almost as fun as listing perforated foods!