magic-happy-fairy-rainbows

I keep thinking about how you said my risk-taking involves selling out potentially high payoffs (or really low payoffs) for middle payoffs. (I stick by claim that this is the exact opposite of taking risks, BTW.) So I'm left in the middle, not too unhappy and not too happy. I think that's exactly right.

I don't know how to feel about it, though. I told The Rapist about it, and she was basically like, "And what's wrong with that? What's wrong with giving up heroine for food and exercise?" And I was like, "No, it's more like giving up an internet start-up dream for a government job." I don't remember that the conversation went anywhere productive from there.

The thing is, I don't know if I respect people who take big risks. Most big risks fail and they're usually not for a good purpose -- for huge money, or fame, or for some other undefinable thing that will make it all right. I don't think they ever find what they're looking for. They will likely fail, but even if they wildly succeed, they still will wonder why it isn't enough. On the other hand, I respect that their brave enough to give failing a shot and I condemn myself for being a fetal-positioned wuss.

So, yeah, I feel empty, and maybe it's because I'm always taking the safe ground. But who doesn't feel empty in at least some respects? I think people who don't feel that way are rare and it has very little to do with what they have, what they've achieved, etc. I think they just have the ability to be satisfied. But I guess I don't really respect that, either. Why should they be satisfied? It seems sort of docile and stupid, since the truth is that, well, life is not that satisfying. But, then, of course, I think at myself, "You whiny little shit, you have just about the best life a human could have in history -- constant food, money, safety, and leisure. What the fuck do you want?" And what answer do I have? There's nothing I can name that I want. Which makes me feel like a child on summer vacation who whines about being bored. Kids spend all year looking forward to summer, so of course they're bummed out when it's not magic-happy-fairy-rainbows the whole summer. And we spend our whole lives looking forward to food, money, safety, and leisure, so of course we're bummed out when it's not magic-happy-fairy-rainbows.

SQrL, I'm bummed it's not magic-happy-fairy-rainbows. Really, really bummed.