Do you think you can change your emotional makeup after your formative years? I picture that you form your emotional makeup in adolescence, and, after that, you can change it, but only through intense therapy, hard work, and delusion. But The Rapist thinks I've shut off access to all my emotions. And I think that can't be right because when I was an adolescent I was always yelling with anger at my family, crying and gnashing teeth alone, chasing some boy with the emotional fervor of a rabid bunny. Basically, an emotional wreck.
So the only time I can imagine this happening was between John and Mason. I went pretty train wreck after that A-Rab, and went slightly train wreck after breaking up with the Tennis Boy Wonder. But both of those were about a million miles from the intensity of the John-Hiroshima. But all that was already when I was incapable of being angry, which has been at least since law school began. So maybe Mason was my out from the drama of boys, and anger was already gone, so that leaves anxiety. I'm still pretty good at anxiety, but, you know, if I handled my finances and work better, I could get rid of that, too. And then I would be like Mr. Spock... And all this way after adolescense! An adult victory!
So her point is that progress is not to be had unless I feel and deal with all these underground emotions. I'm just not sure I like this. How many times has almost every person wished they could just offload their emotions and be free of them. And The Rapist is saying I'm a high-achiever on that front. Is it smart to give up a talent? And lack of emotion is probably highly adaptive in our current world. The Rapist claims the opposite; that emotions are needed in order to function effectively. I dunno about that.
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